I USED TO BE A HEROIN BECAUSE I WAS PROTECTED BY A HERO..
AND NOW I WAS THROWN INTO THE DRAIN TO GROW WITH THE FUNGUS..

I am not suppose to post anything now..I am suppose to sit in front of my table..Open up a book, and stuff myself with some knowledge..Well, again, nothing is going in as usual..My mind is filled with lotsa things..I had alot of things to share with him, but I can only keep everything to myself..Because even if I message him, I would not receive any reply..So whts the point? Anyhow, blogging doesn't cure my scar..I wonder what can I do but to move on..MOving on itself takes time..Owh how I wish my exams are over..Because I want to travel as far as possible..Travel and FORGET..TRAVEL and it will be forgotten..I want to go for a genting trip one day..Want to come along? Come to think about Genting, we've been planning of going together since last year..And it ended up NOTHING..We were suppose to be there during his two weeks holidays..But hey, I guess I screw everything all over again..It had always been my fault for asking him questions..According to him, when I asked, he felt disgusted..Gosh! And because I asked, he felt as though I am not trusting him..Yeah, macho man needs pride huh? Dare to do, Dare to admit..! Don't deny and put the blame on others..And I guess I put enough blame on him..To him, everything about me is blaming..Im so sorry but I really don't mean it..I asked because I don't want to blame you..!

I hate when I see girls around him..It is not that I don't trust him but how would you feel if someone you love will go around hanging out with some other girl? If you feel nothing, then you are weird! I wish I am One Of A Kind who does not feel anything..Because of my sensitivity, I lose my peak of happiness..I once found one and I now lose one..I really hope I would find one SOON again..But not by committing into any re'ship..Because I don't want to risk my heart again..It is as risky as gambling..I'd rather lose my money in gambling than losing my feelings by risking my love and heart..I guess he's living fine now..Just because he doesn't have someone like me who disturbs him all the time..*evil laughs* I don't think he even needs me to mend his broken heart because I know he'll have a bunch of girls going after him right now..come to think about it, I remember him not showing me his handphone when I wanted to look at his features..I wonder why..It makes me feel so insecured..But when it comes to my phone, he gets to browse through my whole phone..Not fair huh? Is life even fair afterall?

After the arguments we had, no more pics of us as his wallpaper in his phone..and because of the arguments, he felt disgusted..! and after the arguments, he lose his spark..While me? I've been falling in the ocean deeper and deeper..Trying to float and breathe, but failed! Now, I am at the bottom, I have no idea how am I going to get back on the surface but to continue drowning till someone who's there to rescue me..I wonder who will that person be..? I remember myself hesitating to start of with a serious r'ship..I've not regretted..But if I knew this was going to be like "shyt", I would rather not go through the peak of happiness that I've actually gone through..
I realized I have stopped contacting most of my "boy-friends" after being with him..BUT HE??? Even during camps, just because he was jealous about me being friendly with other boys, doesn't mean he can lean on a girl, tease and touch a girl just to make me jealous? I have no idea what kind of theory was that..I was terribly hurt when I saw that..But what can I do but to keep quiet before he xplodes saying that I don't trust him..N it goes on and on.....Ever since he lose his spark, I had no idea what to do..I would be thinking if he would leave me one day..That's the only thing that would creep into my mind..Since then, I was being very sensitive over little things..Was I too attached to him?

Well, things aren't going well now too..I would say almost 99% of this 3 weeks's night, I would dream about him..Dreaming that we're together..Lol..! How silly am I to actually dream about that..But dream can control wan meh? If anyone say can, I would love to see you! Because I would LOVE to learn how to control my very own dream..Now is not the matter of blaming anyone..But I was born to blame myself..Till today, I blame myself for making myself into this kind of situation..I was actually tryin to patch up after sending him the mail..But everything was too late as usual..I guess now the situation is even tooooooooo late...farrrrrr toooooooooo laaaateeee....He's not the man I've been looking for is what he said..and I WONDER, HOW HE KNOW THAT'S TRUE???? I would love to forget everything so that I wont feel the pain, but at the same time, I could not forget!!!!!!! It is Impossible...I had always been waiting..Waiting for him to come back home...To bring the key I gave and to open up my heart..But where's he?

I wish to have a robot who listens to me every day and night..A robot who only listens but doesn't grumble..Owh well, I guess I am the only robot which exists right now to listen to my own @*&@#%&)@